There truly is no time quite like Halloween.
As a child, I loved this holiday as much as (and maybe a little more than) all the others, save Christmas.
I could not, however, appreciate it then quite like I can now that I’m an adult.
Though many things change throughout the years, one thing stays the same: the people you see on Halloween.
To get you ready for them, here is the 2019 Halloween lineup- the 11 types of people you will undoubtedly see this year as you go about your evening.
BONUS: since Halloween is spooky season, I have included each character’s modus operandi/ signatures: the signs that will help you spot this person and the intricacies of how they operate.
1. The Handful-er
This kid eyes your bucket from afar, and he creeps up to your porch ever so innocently. His mother, smiling gently, reminds her son, “Only ONE piece this time.”
The only thing that’s more of a waste than her breath as she gives this reminder is that extra candy you bought this year.
Alas, you have been met with the Handful-er.
- Refuses to make eye contact with you
- Looks into the bowl and says, “Hmmm… Which one…” before snatching 17 pieces
- Digs so deep into the bowl you have to wonder if the depth grew since you purchased it
- You remind yourself to calculate the area of the bowl when he leaves
2. The Healthy Snacker
This is the mom or grandma who INSISTS that Halloween is her night to be the guardian against diabeetus.
THANK GOODNESS they’ll outweigh the 85 pieces of candy kids will get from the other houses they visit.
- Children leaving the house, crestfallen
- Mothers not-so-gently nudging their children and hissing, “SAY THANK YOU!”
- Apples and pretzels haphazardly cast away in the street just beyond the yard.
3. The Irate Dad
One dad is unlucky enough to have to drive the hayride that includes infants, toddlers, children, fighting couples, and a WHOLE lot of attitude.
You’ll see him driving either the truck or 4-wheeler with a trailer attached to the back.
- Shoulders inching slowly toward his ears under the pressure of his position
- A look of contemplation as he mentally debates driving off the side of the road
- Glancing back less and less carefully to make sure the kids are on the trailer as he pulls away
- Dimming enthusiasm as he calls out, “Everybody on?” after each stop.
4. The Pinterest Mom
At the Meadows home, we thank the good Lord daily that Wendy Meadows did NOT have Pinterest whenever we were growing up.
- “Oh, girl, I found that on Pinterest!”
- Lack of care on the kid’s part for the hours the costume took
- Cajoling the child that “IF YOU KNEW HOW MUCH EFFORT THAT TOOK, YOU WOULDN’T BE SO $#&* ROUGH ON IT, [insert child’s name here]!!”
If she did a really good job, expect some Pinterest side-by-sides on Facebook the following night.
5. The Facebook Candy Poster
This is the mom who relentlessly insists that people are putting drugs in kids’ candy.
She finds a police Facebook post from 2011 Saskechewan and warns that, even though we live in a good community, crazy things can still happen here. After all, bad people exist everywhere!
- “I know I post this every year, but…”
- The responder who assures the mother nobody puts good drugs in candy
- Talk about a waste of money
- Her assurance that, “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
6. The Brochure Giver
I’ve been to many a doorstep, fall festival, and Trunk-or-Treat in my day and, no matter what, this held true: I would walk away with so many brochures about my eternity in heaven or hell that I could’ve wallpapered my room.
Y’all are the reason I prayed the prayer of salvation 84 times.
- Smiling faces asking a five year old if they know if they where they are going to spend eternity
- The look of fear and confusion on many a young child’s face who just wanted a Snickers
- A sucker glued to the back of the brochure for good measure. Hey- it is Halloween after all!
7. The Cryer
This kid is NOT having it on Halloween.
Upset because of circumstances both in and out of her control, she weeps and only wishes to go home and escape the torture that is Halloween; her night, however, will be a long one, as the time reads 6:15 p.m. and Trick-or-Treating lasts until 8:00.
Most likely reasons for her crying? A torn costume or fear of the scary Halloween decorations and/or costumes.
- One parent staying back in the road with the crying child who refuses to come near the scary house
- Clinging with cat-like claws to one parent
- “Tri–*quivering inhale*–ck or *sniffle sniffle* Tr..tr..treat” OR utter refusal to say this phrase at all.
This child is normally accompanied by…
8. The Fearless One
This child, y’all. This one knows no fear.
You could have a dead body in the yard- a REAL one- and she would skip right by it to rob you of the candy.
- A long, disdainful look at her crying sibling
- A desire to tell you all about her costume while gazing (quite amused) at your attempt to scare her
- A smug glance at the children cautiously looking for someone to jump out at them
9. The Scarer
There is always that one house- that one family.
They delight in scaring small children using various tactics. Two places to look for surprise scares: in yard foliage and under the candy bowl.
That’s right: the “scarecrow” whose lap the candy bowl sits in might just be real and ready to grab your hand.
- Crying kids erupting into screams
- Spilled candy as children attempt to flee the yard
- Movement in the bushes as the scarers get ready to pounce on their victims
10. The Kid that’s Too Old
I love teenagers. I really do.
However, if you are old enough to DRIVE your costumed self to Trick-or-Treat and you aren’t escorting a younger sibling or child, you’re too old for this game. Expect none of my candy.
I can literally see your belly button piercing gypsy midriff costume, sister.
- On phone
- 3 feet taller than all the rest of the Trick-or-Treaters
11. The Absentees
Laying low, these folks shut the doors to quarantine themselves from the rabble in the streets begging for sweet morsels. This isn’t a one-time only occurrence, though.
We all know the names of those people who, generous as they are throughout the rest of the year, shut the doors of their hospitality on October 31st.
- A dark house
- “Happy Fall, Y’all” decorations that make no mention of Halloween, lest you think they are open for business.
- A locked door that will not be unlocked for any reason, no matter how urgent the matter may be
Happy Halloween and Happy People Watching, folks!
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