Earlier this week, I wrote a post listing all the summertime things we hate to see go out with the season (read all about it here!).
This post, however, is all about a few seasonal things we’re ready to cut ties with.
Humidity, bugs, etc. are painful, yes, but they are junior varsity complaints.
I’m going for the varsity level, first string, starting offense woes of the season.
From the common to the unique, the annoying to the unbearable, here is the definitive ranking of the 22 worst parts of summer.
1. Lack of arch support.
Look. I LOVE flip flops as much as the next person: they are the epitome of cute, comfy, and casual.
But, the fact that you have NO support whatsoever is just asking for pain later in the day and later in life.
Believe you me- whether your day of reckoning is nie or far, it is in your future.
Choose your footwear wisely. Your feet will thank you for it.
2. Fruit flies- a product of fresh produce
3. The first searing sunburn of the season
Do I know better? Yes.
Will I look like a raisin at 39? Probably.
Do I need you to preach at me about the need for sunscreen post-burn? Absolutely not.
This base-scorching, however, is necessary in that, after it, you will no longer get burnt anymore for the season.
4. Bathing suit shopping
5. Attaining your summer feet
Having feet that are so callused they can walk across glass with no wounds is a beautiful thing. However, the getting there is anything but.
To get these summer feet, you need to walk across hot concrete no less than 12 times. What’s that smell, you ask?
It isn’t the meat on the grill. That’s your sole, sizzling onward to the prize of indestructible feet.
6. Facebook posts dedicated to the latest snake you killed
7. Bugs on the porch light
New idea for the Summer Olympics- Who can walk out and shut the door the fastest to prevent the myriad insects from coming inside?
Bugs, drawn in by the oasis of light in the seemingly never-ending darkness, are all on you like white on rice on a paper plate.
8. Being reminded of the ticking clock until school starts.
9. Losing track of the day.
Ever woken up at 9 am and, when you look at the clock again 5 minutes later, it reads 6:30 pm?
That’s summertime, 24/7.
10. Frogs, when they camp out in the shoes you inevitably put on.
Camped out under the aforementioned porch light, hoping to partake in the feast hovering above their heads, frogs enjoy nestling in your outside shoes.
What a nasty surprise when you decide to slip them on in the morning.
11. Picking squash
12. The worst Icee Pop flavors
How is it that the following flavors are always the last ones left in the pack?
13. Getting into a hot car that’s been basking in the sunshine
14. Bucket hats
Good for you, not for me. If you have the confidence to rock them, knock yourself out.
If not, come sit by me.
15. Trying to get off wet clothes
16. Attempting to read while floating on a pool float
One way is uncomfortable, but maneuvering the other way gets the book wet.
17. Getting in all the miserable doctors’ appointments in your time off
My “un-fun” appointment this summer? Wisdom teeth removal.
18. Hurried drink time
Once it hits April, you have about 5 minutes to down that can of…uh… Mountain Dew…. (Baptists read this- gotta keep it rated G) so it isn’t boiling when you take a sip.
19. Sweaty bra money
Confession: my innocence was stolen during my time as a cashier at Piggly Wiggly.
A spry 18 year old at the time, my life was forever altered when a woman reached deep into her bra and pulled out a $10 to pay for her wares.
The money was warm, moist, and crumpled just so. I had to hand iron it out as best I could, but only after I wrung out the water from this poor bill.
Don’t put money anywhere near your mouth, folks. I have seen the depravity of humanity, and it is bra money.
20. Students seeing the real me
Am I two-faced? Any mildly intelligent teacher is.
There is the school Ms. Meadows, and there is the Emmie Meadows who roams the streets of Cochran in the summertime.
The latter is a natural specimen in a realm unto herself, and, improperly clothed and irregularly groomed, is someone (more like something) children don’t wish (or need) to see.
21. Family beach pictures
Is there any event more likely to induce tears (except for Easter pictures)? See a group of white people milling about on the beach, clad in white polos and khakis?
You’ve spotted this phenomenon.
Don’t ask questions. Don’t stare. Just keep walking.
They’ll be doing the same when the photographer calls out, “Okay, y’all! Now let’s get some action shots.”
22. Hearing everyone complaining about the summertime
I had to jump on the bandwagon as a way to kiss this summer goodbye.
Like Shakespeare once said, if hell is anything like Georgia in the summertime, it’s not the place for me.
Bring on the fall, baby!
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