Thanksgiving Day, commonly known as the Superbowl of Feasting, is a welcome sight for sore eyes across the nation, but we all know that, as with all other important matters in life, this day is not without its rules. Don’t expect to enter into this kitchen footloose and fancy-free. Here are 11 unspoken rules of Thanksgiving by which we all must abide, lest chaos should ensue.
- Thou shalt dress thine descendants unto the 7th generation in festive turkey garb. From head to toe, from bows to britches, there is no exception. ‘Tis better to be homemade, but ‘tis not required.
- Thou shalt tolerate that relative (Bless her heart!) with an attitude of gladness, knowing that there is a far greater reward awaiting you at the table, and it outweighs the present trials thou face.
- Thou shalt remember the deeds of thy mother and grandmother whilst cooking and use every recipe they brought forth to infamy.
- Whilst preparing the Thanksgiving feast, should thy mother request assistance, thou shalt not speaketh in a dishonoring fashion, lest thou forget that what you give, you shalt receive seven times over, heaped upon your lap until overflowing.
- When loading thine plate, thou shalt remember that everyone else needs to eat too, thou pig.
- Thou shalt slosh down thy Thanksgiving manna with copious amounts of sweet tea.
- Thou shalt eat every bit of what is on thy plate, even if thine eyes proved to be too large for thine own belly.
- Thou shalt remember to mark thy name on the side of thy solo cup and shalt use the marked vessel for each refill of sweet tea.
- Thou shalt sit thine smart butt at the children’s table until thou art married and have extended your lineage, with descendants as numerous as the rumbling bellies at 11:30 Thanksgiving morning.
- When time to clean the kitchen, thou shalt not be the relative who hides in the bathroom to avoid kitchen responsibilities.
- Thou shalt receive thy rest laying upon the sofa with an extended belly whilst being entertained by the football game or the Duck Dynasty Thanksgiving marathon.
Happy Thanksgiving, folks!